There and Back Again, again, an author's tale
by GreenCat3
Summary: Yes, it's your bog standard modern kids fall into Middle-earth story...with a twist! Mainly Pythonish humor and Trekkieness though. Heavy backpacks ensue. -Discontinued. Please ignore the blatant self-inserts.-
1. Disc Read Error

There And Back Agai-Oh, the hell with it, we're staying HERE!

By GreenCat3

Okay, only a few people will understand this: Please do not sic the PPC on me. That's why this is labeled "Humor". Mini-Balrogs will be avoided.

Well, if I _am_ PPC'ed…laughs I'll take it in stride. I would like to join the PPC, however.

Disclaimer: My last name is not Tolkien. Therefore, LotR is not mine, nor ever will be.

Chapter 1: Disc Read Error

_Three rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,_

_Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,_

_Nine for mortal men doomed to die,_

_One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne_

_In the land of Mordor where the Shadows lie._

_One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,_

_One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them_

_In the land of Mordor where the Shadows lie._

            In the land of Middle-earth, most would never hear of this rhyme. In what has been called Earth, or the world as we know it today, most could repeat this rhyme by rote. Odd then, that the place where it is lesser known is where it originated. This tale is one of two worlds merging, of two different cultures colliding. But it is not like most of the tales featuring this concept, as this one helped change the course of Middle-earth's history. This story may be labeled fictional, but some insist that it is factual to the last word. What you think of it is up to you.

            In the most unremarkable place on earth, Falls Church, Virginia, in the country called the United States of America, there was a gathering of eight friends with eight very heavy backpacks. They all had one thing in common, and it was that they all were deeply knowledgeable in the lore and history of Middle-earth. They had no idea that their knowledge would prove valuable to them in a short while. But in the house of Kitty Bastet, a simple task was being performed, one that would change the course of history.

They were going to watch the DVD of Fellowship of the Ring.

            Of course, it wasn't just a simple task to the eight friends. It was like a ritual, to watch both of the films that had been released on video before they saw the new one. It was December 19, 2003, the day that school had just been let out for winter break, as it were. The girls would sleep over, and the following day they were to see Return of the King, the latest addition. As it was a workday as well, Kitty's mother would not return until at least the first movie was finished.

            "I don't see why we couldn't see it the day it came out," Argued Kaylyn, the oldest, a high school freshman of fourteen years of age.

            "Remember the minor point that we had a band concert that day?" Kitty, a quiet girl of thirteen reprimanded.

            "Yes, and we had agreed to see it all together," Kitkat chimed in, a girl of the same age as Kitty.

            "Just stick the bloody disc into the player and have done with it," growled Langston, the only male in the group, and the youngest.

            "Maestro, will you do the honors?" Kitty bowed mockingly to Langston, inviting him to put the DVD in. Langston snatched the disc and all eight listened eagerly as it whirred in the drive. Suddenly, a message appeared on screen. "Disc Read Error"

            "I don't get it. It always worked before." Kitty frowned.

            "What a bloody rip-off," muttered Sallie, and her twin sister Kathleen agreed.

            "SODDING DVD! WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING, DAMMIT?!"

 Then a portal appeared, and quick as a wink, the eight, and their extremely heavy backpacks, were whisked off to Middle-earth.

Gwahaha, shitty, right? Just wait until chapter two…maniacal laughter


	2. The Council of Elrond

Chapter 2: The Council of Elrond

            Frodo Baggins, having sufficiently recovered from the wound he suffered during the attack at Weathertop, set out from his room in Rivendell to the council of Elrond. Walking quickly, he finally arrived. The weather was fair, and there were already most there, awaiting his arrival. Among them were Aragorn, whom he knew as Strider, Gimli the Dwarf, Legolas, the Prince of Mirkwood, Gandalf the Gray, Boromir, son of Denethor, and many others, including Elrond himself. Finally Frodo stumbled in with as much dignity as he could muster, and the council began.

            "Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you've been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite, or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom-" A crashing sound tore Elrond away, mid-speech.

            Gandalf started. "What in Middle-earth was that?"

            All turned to where the sound had come from, and eight smallish people were entangled, semiconscious. Seven of them were doing very good impressions of beached turtles by lying on their backs, and one was acting like a gasping fish, because she had a nifty messenger bag instead of a backpack.

 "Ohh…ow…" Kitty attempted to sit up. "Smegging backpack." She muttered to nobody in particular and wiggled her arms out of the straps. "What in the name of the Valar happe-oh sweet tap-dancing Shasta Bugs of doom!" She yelped as she realized that what was coming out of her mouth was not English.

            "Kay, Kitkat, Langston, Sallie, Kathleen, Allaire, Ari, please, try and get up, for the love of Tolkien!"

            "Who said something about Tolkien?" Ari asked groggily. More or less awake, the eight young adults found themselves just outside of a stone circle, and all the Elves, Men, Dwarves, and the singular Hobbit in there were looking at them oddly and pointing whatever sharp, pointy weapons they had at them.

            Kitty finally managed to squeak "Awkward," in a Dr. Evil-ish voice and raised her hands above her head, motioning for the others to extract themselves from their school bags and follow suit.

            "Oh, brilliant." A sigh escaped Allaire's lips.

            "Well, you _did_ ask it to do something…" Kaylyn said logically.

            "Not happy, not happy, not happy, not happy and _cold_, not happy, not happy with multitudes of sharp, pointy things aimed in my general direction…" Kitkat muttered

            "Who exactly are you?" Legolas demanded.

            "Kindly give us a few seconds to reassert ourselves, milord, as we are a bit entangled with some two-stone backpacks here." Kitty said as politely as the situation would allow.

            "Yes, please. Our instructors are quite sadistic. Ah, now…er…would this be Middle-earth, by any chance?" Kathleen asked, tingling with anticipation at the expected answer.

            Boromir snorted derisively. "Where did you expect to be, Valinor?" As Boromir stared at them, Kitty and Kitkat conversed in low tones and whispers, and looked at Boromir and grinned evilly. Boromir shifted in his seat. He did not like the way that the newcomers were looking at him.

            "Alright, introductions all around. I'll go first. I am Kitty, at y' service," Kitty bowed Japanese-style.

            "Kitkat, also known as the Uber Gecko! I like horses! Do you have any horses? HORSES!"

            "Dude, SHUT UP. Now, please continue," said Kitty. "Or they'll all think you're nutters."

            "I'm not? News to me."

            "Allaire," The young woman curtsied.

            "Ari."

            "Sallie of the Shadows."

            "Kathleen of the Light."

            "Kaylyn."

            Langston went last. "Langston, the only guy in this group of slightly mental newcomers to Rivendell."

            The council was shocked. "How did you know that we're in Rivendell, if you had no idea that you were in Middle-earth…?" inquired Elrond.

            "Psh, that one was easy. Elvish architecture has a very distinct style. Now, who do I have the pleasure of addressing?" Langston asked, already knowing the answers.

            "Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood." Sallie and Kaylyn shared a grin, and Langston smiled in admiration.

            "Aragorn, son of Arathorn." This time it was Kathleen's turn to grin with Kaylyn.

            "Gimli, son of Glóin of the Lonely Mountain." The teenagers applauded silently.

            "Gandalf the Gray."

            "Frodo Baggins of the Shire."

            "Boromir, son of Denethor of Gondor."

Kitkat and Kitty slapped each other high fives. "Owned! Er, do go on."

The introductions continued, until everyone was properly introduced. "Now where do you come from?"

The teenagers looked at each other as if to say "You tell him. I have no intention of doing that, because it will just cause a mess." "We come from the general area of the District of Columbia, in Usonia." Kitty finally replied, glad that reading all that stuff about Frank Lloyd Wright would come in handy.

When everyone had sufficiently quieted down from the information, the half-elven lord continued. "Bring forth the Ring, Frodo."

Frodo did so, wary with the newcomers around. Boromir looked at it, eyes wide, with an odd glimmer in them.

"So it is true," he said, with awe in his voice. After a pause, he continued. "It is a gift."

"You cannot wield it. None of us can!" Aragorn growled.

"Well, how do _you_ know? Maybe he's not just regular Boromir. Maybe he's…" At this point Kitty paused for effect and did dramatic pose #422. "Super Boromir!" There was a random superhero theme, courtesy of Kathleen.

Elrond just raised an eyebrow.

"Whaaaaaat? It could be true!"

"The Ring must be destroyed," said Elrond, paying no heed to the "Usonians".

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Gimli said impatiently. He swung his axe at the Ring, and at that moment, several things happened.

Kitty yelled "DUCK!" and the newcomers ducked for cover.

Frodo felt slightly sick.

Gimli's axe exploded into hundreds of shards as the Dwarf was thrown backwards by the power of the Ring, the force of his swing, and some law of physics that I don't yet understand. The gold band was left sitting there among the shards of iron without so much as a scratch. In the stunned silence after the explosion (for lack of a better word) Kitkat said, obnoxiously loud, "I TOLD you, it's a GOOSE!" She got a LOT of strange looks from the people who were actually supposed to be there, but her friends ignored her.

"Right. The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli son of Glóin, by any craft that we here possess." Elrond continued with the back-story. "It was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade."

After a couple of seconds had elapsed, Boromir shook his head wonderingly. "One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. The Great Eye is ever watchful." He symbolized the Eye of Sauron by forming a circle with his fingers. "It is a barren wasteland riddled with fire, and ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly." At this point, the three Boromir fangirls in the group were having to restrain themselves from pouncing on the son of Denethor.

"Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond just said?" Legolas asked incredulously. "The Ring must be destroyed!"

"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?" Gimli glared at the elf.

"And if we fail, what then? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?" Boromir stood, preparing himself for a verbal torrent.

"I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!"

At this, a huge argument broke out among the council. After a beat, Kitty snickered. "Hey, Boromir and that Elf look like they're a baseball player being called out and an umpire, respectively." Everyone started to laugh. Then Kitty heard Kathleen mutter something unflattering about Boromir, something involving "Sitting on his royal arse all day". "Oh, I _know_ you didn't…DIE!" Fistfights immediately broke out among the group, especially the one involving "Who gets Legolas and Aragorn?". Bruises manifested everywhere.

"FLAMEWAR!" yelled Kitkat, and would have munched some popcorn if she had any.

Frodo couldn't bear the argument anymore. "I will take it!" The argument quieted. "I will take the Ring to Mount Doom. Though…though I do not know the way."

Gandalf stood and put a hand on the Hobbit's shoulder. "I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it is yours to bear."

Aragorn walked over to Frodo as well. "If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."

Legolas joined him. "And you have my bow."

"And my axe!" Gimli interjected, not about to be outdone by an elf.

Boromir was pensive for a second. "You carry the fate of us all, little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done!"

Kitkat, Allaire, and Kitty grinned and hugged Boromir. "Ooh, we loves it when Beany gets all melodramatic, we does."

"Two things. One: Get off me. And two: Who is this 'Beany' of whom you speak?"

Before Kitty had a chance to say "Long story, no time, tell ya later", Samwise Gamgee, hidden in the bushes, had jumped up and stood next to Frodo. "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!"

The ghost of a smile formed on Elrond's lips. "No indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not."

"Hey! We're coming too!" Yelled Pippin from the door, and he and Merry joined their friends.

"You'd have to tie us up in a sack to stop us," said Merry.

"And anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission…quest…thing!"

"Well that rules you out, Pip." Pippin glared at his friend.

"Erm, kindly excuse us while we, ah, discuss matters of importance…HUDDLE!" Ari yelled, and the teenagers gathered around.

"So do we go?"

"Of course you twit, it's the only way to get home!"

"Besides, it'll be fun!" Langston this time.

"PICKLES!"

"What the hell?!"

"I think that means she's in."

"Aragorn!" Kathleen grinned.

"Legolas…" Sallie drooled.

"Arrie and Leggy!" Kaylyn daydreamed.

"Break formation, guys. Elrond's waiting."

After the young adults went out of their huddle, Kitty, official spokeswoman for the group said, "We have discussed this grave matter with each other, and have voted unanimously to go with the Fellowship, by your leave, master Peredhil."

Elrond glanced at them. "I think that you would make them too conspicuous."

Kitty couldn't stand being polite a moment longer and rolled her eyes. "Oh, you want inconspicuous, aye?" She broke into a fake British accent, as she is wont to do when mad. "Well, how's this for inconspicuous? Four hobbits-and hobbits are not the most adventurous of races, and rarely leave the Shire-a ranger who is actually the heir of Isildur, the son of the Ruling Steward of Gondor, the prince of Mirkwood, a dwarf of the Lonely Mountain-and elves and dwarves together and NOT killing each other is an odd thing-and a bloody Istari?! How much more conspicuous can you get?" She took a few deep breaths when something occurred to her. "I just used logic! Gah! I feel unclean!"

"Can we go? Huh, huh, huh? Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase?" Sallie tried the "Pwease" voice, which just made her scarier.

            "No, and that is final."

            Kaylyn decided to go for the money shot: the puppy eyes. _Everybody falls prey to the puppy eyes,_ she thought.

            Everybody except Lord Halfelven.

            As Kaylyn was trying to turn them up to full power, which she had seen even Ms. Luck (the evil math teacher) fall victim to, Elrond was ignoring her.

            While that was going on, Allaire was going around looking at people's "dresses".

            "Ooh, that one's pretty. And I like that one too, and Boromir's has a nice motif…" __

Ari, of course, started singing that blasted annoying song that she now sings all the bloody time since she saw "Bye Bye Birdie". "We love you Conrad, oh yes we d-"

"One more smegging note and I will KILL you with my painful pain-ness." Kitty dramatically paused. "OF DOOM!"

As none of the teenagers were really reacting to that, the council rightly guessed that it was somewhat commonplace.

As he eyed the existing fellowship, Elrond said quietly, "Nine companions…so be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!"

"Great!" Pippin said. "Now, uh…where are we going?" Merry slapped himself.

"Wait…" The proverbial lightbulb popped up above Langston's head. "Even if we are not allowed to join the Fellowship, we'll just follow them anyway, just thought you'd like to know that."

Elrond could feel a headache coming on. Obviously these were very headstrong Usonians. "If you intend to go through with this, then you ought to be trained. I am not wrong in assuming that you have had no prior training?"

"Barely anything practical. Math, science, that sort of thing." Allaire nodded sagely.

"Then…you may follow, if you do not intend to sabotage the Company of the Ring in any way."

"We have every reason to aid the Fellowship. If it gets rid of that loon who runs our country and was obviously put into office by Morgoth or Sauron, we'll do it."

"HOBBIT NOOGIE!" Ari grabbed Pippin and started giving him a noogie by way of celebration.

"Ow! It burns!"

"Muahaha!"


End file.
